01 April 2004

American Indians Secure Purchase of Washington State

From a United Native Americans (UNA) Press Release:

American Indians Secure Purchase of Washington State

Thursday 1 April 2004, 0945 PST

SEATTLE WA- The United Native Americans (UNA) is proud to announce that it has secured the purchase in full of the State of Washington from the whites and is throwing it open to American Indian settlement. UNA bought Washington from three winos found wandering in Seattle. The winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in the Northern Cheyenne language, and sold Washington for three bottles of wine, one bottle of gin and four cases of beer.

The Honorable George E Little Bear, the new Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs, has announced the following new policies:
The Indians hereby generously give the whites four enourmously huge reservations of ten acres each at the following locations: in the middle of Makoshika Park, in the Bad Lands of South Dakota, in the Utah Salt Flats and in the Yukon.

These reservations shall belong to the whites for as long as the sun shines and the grass grows, or until such time as the Indians want them back.
All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any white who wants to use his land in any way must secure the permission of Commissioner Little Bear.
Each reservation will be serviced by a depot selling Crystal-Meth, Oxycotin and of course cheap alcohol.

Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at stands by the highway.

Each white will be provided annually with one blanket and one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of "My Life Amoung the White People." The latter was written as an expose~ by a former Indian student at an all white high school.

If an American Indian proves incompetent enough, he may qualify to be superintendent of any of the above mentioned Burea of Caucasian Affairs reservations that have been so generously set aside by the United Native Americans. Applicants for the superintendents' jobs must have less than a year of education, must not be able to understand the Caucasian languages or customs, must have an authoritarian personality, have proof of dishonesty and must have a certificate of incompetence. Of course, no whites need apply.

Commissioner Little Bear also announced the founding of four boarding schools to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six. 'We want to take those white kids far away from the backward culture of their parents', the commissioner said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the Florida Everglades, point Barrow, Alaska, and nearby Hong Kong.

All of their courses will be taught in the Indian Languages, and there will be demerits for anyone caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian languages and hunting skills...

In honour of the whites, many cities, streets, cars and products will be given traditional Caucasian names. The Seattle Seahawks will be renamed the Fighting Whites.

One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his upcoming movie 'Custer's Last Stand,' he will use many actual whites to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English; although of course, the part of Custer will be played by Tonto.

Certain barbaric white customs will not be allowed. Whites will not be permitted to practice their heathen religions, and will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from each tribe to convert the Caucasians of the reservations. White churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums, or will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as souvenirs and curiosities.

The United Native Americans plan to pursue the further purchase of the States of Idaho, Oregon and California as soon as appropriately ignorant stooges can be located to represent Caucasian interests during the ensuing treaty negotiations.
Plans for this operation are in progress.

Adapted from an article which ran in the Colville Tribal Tribune, 20 Decemeber 1973

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