A Homeland Security Mascot?

Just What America Needs: A Homeland Security Mascot
MIKE ARGENTO
Monday, August 16, 2004

The Department of Homeland Security, in its efforts to keep us safe from evil-doers, has come up with a new tactic to protect us from our worst nightmares.

You might think Tom Ridge and his minions were working, day and night, on tightening security at our ports. Or maybe they were studying border checkpoints. Or perhaps they were looking at ways to increase security at airports by confiscating travelers' nail clippers.

Or maybe you think they're doing something to protect us from the threat posed by terrorists using limousines to attack us, as they've warned New York City. (OK, I've heard of limousine liberals, but limousine terrorists is a new one. What about other luxury vehicles? Shouldn't we be concerned about Lexus terrorists, Escalade terrorists and the dreaded Hummer terrorist?)

Or perhaps the Homeland Security people are having press conferences to tell us, alternately, that we're under grave threat, that we're safer, that the information they have is four years old, that the information they have is only eight months old, that they seemingly have no idea what they're talking about.

OK, maybe they are doing that.

But they're doing so much more.

According to the Federal Register, the Department of Homeland Security's newest idea to protect us from homicidal maniacs hijacking limos and, I don't know, double-parking them, is — wait for it — a mascot.

Yes, a mascot.

To be more specific, a dog mascot.

I feel safer already. There's nothing to worry about as long as we're protected by an anthropomorphic dog.

The Department of Homeland Security apparently believes the need for a mascot is urgent. It has asked, by way of the Federal Register, for "Emergency Processing ... For Kids Mascot Naming Contest."

"Emergency Processing ... For Kids Mascot Naming Contest"?

I wish I was making this up.

It's as if Tom Ridge came to work one day and, realizing that his department didn't have a mascot, declared an emergency to get one. I can see it now. Ridge, all business, picks up the red phone and barks, "Lock down the building! Take us to magenta alert! We are in extra-grave danger! My God, we don't have a mascot!"

The Homeland Security people, in the Federal Register, estimate that they will receive 500 entries for the name-the-mascot contest. They figure it'll take 1.5 hours per entry to process them, meaning the Department of Homeland Security expects to commit 750 man-hours to sorting through entries in a name-the-mascot contest and naming a winner. There was no mention of how much work went into developing the idea for a mascot in the first place or whether that task was contracted out to Halliburton for $8.5 billion.

The as-yet-unnamed Homeland Security dog, department spokeswoman Susan Nealy told National Public Radio, would be "a close cousin" to McGruff the Crime Dog, whose nephew is Scruff the Anti-Drug Dog. Maybe the terror dog's name will be Guff, or Cuff, or Muff” although Muffy the Terror Dog doesn't sound very, well, terrifying.


The mascot, Nealy told NPR, will be based on "an American shepherd," the breed of dog that the American Kennel Club says doesn't exist. The closest thing the AKC has is a North American shepherd, which is a type of Australian shepherd. NPR reporter Mike Pesca asked, "Is the American shepherd a canine version of the freedom fry?"

So, to review, the Department of Homeland Security, in its effort to keep us safe from terrorists, is adopting a fictional mascot based on a dog that doesn't exist.

Sounds about right.

But why did the Department of Homeland Security settle on a dog for a mascot?

I guess they're banking on the whole watchdog image. That's a myth. I know dogs. I live with two dogs. One of them sleeps 23 hours a day and the other spends most of his time growling at air molecules.

OK, you could say about the same for Homeland Security.

Why not expand the name-the-mascot contest to include other species? Why limit it to a dog, a specific, imaginary dog? Pesca suggested Duct-Tape Duck and Petey the Perpetually Prepared Panda. (Actually, a year and a half ago, I wrote about Ducky the Duct-Tape Duck and Tarpy the Plastic Sheeting Terrapin.)

Here are some other suggestions:

· Andy the Anthrax Armadillo.

· Lenny the Limo-bomb Lemur.

· Charlie the Car-bomb Capuchin Monkey.

· Sammy the Sarin Squirrel.

· Harry the Hijacking Howler Monkey.

· Petey the Perpetually Prepared Pit Bull. (A pit bull is much more threatening than a panda. What's a panda going to do? Sit there and chew eucalyptus leaves while terrorists double-park limos in New York?)

But the winner has to be Wally the Homeland Security Weasel.

Wally Weasel would appear at press conferences and scare the snot out of us and, then, the next day, tell us the information that led to the scary stuff was four years old and then he'd try to weasel out of it.

They wouldn't even need a costume. Just send Tom Ridge out there.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com. Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike.